Saturday, November 27, 2010

Oh, the Dreadful Factors of Life and Death!

Today, I hereby present to you a story about two strange characters who travel together by land and sea.  You see, their names are Hermione Kirkamm and Zxero.  They have been friends ever since they could remember.
          Hermione was an action figure, see, and she had the ears of a cat.  She was almost just like the Hermione from the Harry Potter movies, except for the fact that she was and action figure only about four inches tall.  She was kind and adventurous.  She was always wanting to travel somewhere and get herself into danger.
          Zxero, on the other hand, was clever, dreadfully lazy, and always complaining about something.  But when it came to life-and-death situations, though, Zxero would always somehow cleverly save Hermione's life, even if it seemed like Zxero had betrayed you at the very last minute.  It would always find some way of saving your life.
          Thankfully, today wasn't a day about life-and-death situations.  "Oh!  You must go on without me!"  One would say.  "Oh!  Your life is more important than mine!"  Blah blah blah.  "Oh!  If you die, I'll die with you!"  And so on, and so forth.  The more Hermione thought about it, life-and-death situations were getting quite old.  They always happened the same, by two or more people saying to each other that they would either die with each other, or sacrifice themselves for each other.  That kind of situation made Hermione sick to her stomach.  Zxero was even worse at handling those situations.  It always went berserk whenever it saw them happen on TV or in movies.

Hermione was dedicating today to mend a broom stick she had broken about a week ago.  She was annoyed, and had locked herself up in a cabin on the one-man ship she had received from a pirate-gypsy in the east port of Midren Island.  She was randomly humming to herself as Zxero flung itself against the cabin door outside.
"Zxero wants to be let innnnn!" it whined.
Hermione rolled her eyes and continued to fiddle with her broom.
"Later," she groaned.  "I am busy at the moment, and I do not wish to have a gurgling, gaging dragon circling my head all day!"
"But Zxero no want to circle head!  It wants to EAT!" Zxero hissed.  "Zxero want FOOD!"
Hermione rolled her eyes again and said, "OK, fine, but under one condition.  NO SLOBBERING!"
Of course, Zxero had to talk back.
"But Zxero isn't a dog!  Zxero don't SLOBBER!" it wailed, crashing itself into the door again with a hysterical oof. Hermione opened the cabin door and found Zxero laying on the deck with glittery eyes and its tongue lolling out.
"Come on," she said.  "Let's not be puppy-acting now, get in here!"
Zxero shook its head.  "But YOU said Zxero couldn't come in."
Hermione turned red.
"Do you want food or not!?" she huffed.  "Because I'm trying to fix a broom, and you're not doing a  THING!"
"But you don't NEED to do that much work to fix a broom, Hermione.  You have powers," Zxero said.
When Hermione heard this, she slapped her hand to her forehead.
"Ugh.  How can I forget such a thing," she said.  "You do have a point."
She looked down at Zxero.  It was now perched on its hind legs, head cocked, and staring straight into her eyes.
"Get in," Hermione said.  "Before I change my mind."
Zxero rushed in and zoomed around in circles about fifteen times before it finally slumped onto the table where lay three pieces of sausage and some toast.  Zxero began ravenously eating as Hermione watched.  She thought of something to say, but Zxero began to speak first.
"Zxero wanna go on adventure," it said.  "Zxero is bored..."
Hermione rolled her eyes and said, "You're always bored.  Maybe I should throw you in the ocean, and you can have an adventure there."
Zxero moaned.  It gobbled up the last of the sausage, and headed out the cabin door.  Hermione followed.  The two of them started to see a silhouette of land off in the far distance.
"Land ho I say!" Zxero cried with joy.  "There's a start some adventure!"
Hermione couldn't help but smile as she stared at the land ahead.  "Indeed," she whispered.  "Maybe we can find some secret society here, or some treasure, or maybe a new animal species."
"Sounds DIVIIIIINE..." Zxero said excitedly.  "Let's anchor the boat 'n boost the-- the-- the BROOM!"
"The broom doesn't like flying over the sea," said Hermione
"The DEEP sea!" Zxero snapped.  "Not the shallow sea.  Unless you want to swim, I wouldn't mind."
          Hermione ran down back to the cabin and grabbed her broken broom.  She held the two parts together and closed her eyes.  She began to chant something, and the area where the broom had snapped in half began to glow.  The two halves mended together and formed a very new-looking broom.  She ran back up to the deck, finally, where Zxero was impatiently waiting.
"Come on," it said.  It opened it's big feathery wings and took off with one single beat.  Hermione put her leg over the broom and took off as well.  When the two were high above the land, they saw that it was smaller than they thought.
"I don't think this is 'land,' Zxero.  This is the island of the castaways.  This is waaayyyyy too dangerous," Hermione said uneasily.
Zxero wasn't listening, and it dove down until it disappeared under the trees.  Hermione followed after it.
"Come on," she said.  "You're kidding me, right?"
Zxero landed on the ground with a thump, and it spattered a bunch of dirt on Hermione's face when she landed.  Zxero began to scavenge around for something.
"Great.  Now what are you doing?" Hermione smirked.
"Searching for-- for-- for treasure!" Zxero said.  "There's got to be some around.  Heh.  Zxero need 'em treasures."
Zxero sniffed around as Hermione cautiously followed.
"And where will you find it exactly?" Hermione asked, folding her arms over her chest.
"What kind of a question it that?" said Zxero.  "Wherever Zxero's nose takes it, of course!  Heh.  Maybe it's in this cave."
Hermione spotted the cave that Zxero had mentioned.  She tightened up a bit.  "You're saying we're going in THERE?" she said.  "You're kidding me!  The undead castaways live there!  I read it in a book."
"Well, of COURSE." Zxero snapped.  "Zxero thought you liked this kind of stuff.  Besides, there might be TREASURE!"
Hermione rolled her eyes again.  She didn't say a word, and she followed Zxero into the cave with her broom in her hand at the ready.
          The two slowly started down the cave.  They looked back every once and a while to make sure the cave entrance didn't close up on them.  But when the cave entrance was out of sight, they kept their eyes straight ahead, looking around every once in a while to make sure there was no danger.  There was a sudden clatter deep in the cave, and voices arose from far ahead.  Hermione stopped in her tracks.
"Come on.  As long as we're silent, those undead castaways won't notice us," Zxero growled.
Hermione shrugged and tightened her grip on her broom.  The two steadily walked ahead as the voices got louder, and the tunnel grew wider.  They began to see torches upon the walls of the cave, and there was a distant sound of drums in the background.  Both Hermione and Zxero began to worry.  Zxero began to complain as usual.
"Zxero is scared," Zxero moaned.
"Then how about you go back, and I go check out what's happening," Hermione said.
"But Zxero thought you said you didn't want to go in the cave," Zxero said.
Hermione said, "Well, I changed my mind.  Got a problem?  Go talk to the undead yourself!"
Zxero stuck out its big tongue and gave Hermione a fat raspberry.  The two continued along the cave together and were totally silent.
          The sound of drums in the cave got louder and louder, and finally, Hermione and Zxero could see a big opening where there was fire and chanting
"Let's get closer," she said.  "I want to see what's happening."
Zxero moaned and complained and pulled at Hermione's shirt, pulling her back, but Hermione pulled away from the dragon's grip.  She scrambled up to the edge and looked over, keeping low and steady.  She gasped at the sight that stood before her.  There was a big pit of fire in the ground, and a bunch of undead castaways chanting something.  There was a castaway standing on a plank over the fire pit.  He looked like he was still alive and about to be sacrificed.  Hermione winced and she turned to Zxero who was crouched low on the ground.
"Come here you pitiful dragon.  There's a guy about to be sacrificed to the fire goddess, and he's going to become one of them," Hermione said.
Zxero slithered over to where Hermione was crouched.  It looked over the edge and its eyes widened.  Hermione began to lean over the edge, and when Zxero jolted, she lost her balance.  She realized that she wasn't in much of a good situation, and she shrieked as she saw that she was FALLING!
"Zxero!" she screamed.
A bunch of undead castaways drew their attention to Hermione who landed on the rocky ground with a thump.  Zxero came after Hermione and landed in front of her.  The castaways immediately surrounded her, hooting and hollering, but one of the castaways stepped forward and silenced them.  He looked like the leader of the undead castaways.  The leader stood and stared at Hermione and Zxero with mean little eyes.  Hermione and Zxero waited impatiently for the leader's next move.  Hermione held the broom tight in her hand, ready for an attack.  Finally the leader began to speak in a different language.
"The language of the dead!" Zxero exclaimed.  "Zxero like to speak that language!"
"Then do you know what they're saying?" Hermione said worried.  "We need to eascape!"
"They're saying that they're going to sacrifice us," Zxero said calmly.  "But we're gonna own them before they can do that!"
Hermione gasped.  "Nuh-uh!  I'm not gonna be sacrificed for some fire goddess," she exclaimed.  "Now,  let's run in five......  four......  three........  two........"
Zxero and Hermione prepared themselves to fly.
"One!" Hermione said.
The two flew off as quick as they could.  Unfortunately, they were caught by the feet as they rose up to the sky.  They were dragged down by a bunch of undead castaways, and now there was no hope in escaping.  Hermione thought of the first thing that came to her mind.  She quickly grabbed her broom and held it to the sky.  There was a flash of blue light, and the broom shape shifted into a sword.  Hermione held the sword high up in the sky.

She swung it around her head with ease, and chopped about five undead castaways in half.  The guy who was about to be sacrificed, but got distracted because Hermione accidentally fell at the right time, was running towards Hermione and Zxero.  Her strangled one of the undead and took a sword from its hand.  He ran over and spoke.
"Hermione Kirkamm, isn't it?" he said, panting.  "I've come to help."
"I can see that," Hermione said.  "And who are you?"
"No time," said the young man.
He and Hermione fought back to back, and Hermione felt a little awkward being around him.
          MEANWHILE...  Zxero was going berserk again, and having quite a bit of trouble maneuvering around all these undead castaways.  It stole a sword from one of the castaways and attempted to slice it in half.  Unfortunately, Zxero had happened to grab the heaviest sword around.  

The sword was about as long as Zxero itself, and when it tried to fly up and stab someone, the weight of the sword pulled it down.  But fortunately for Zxero, it immediately flew back up, high above the crowd of undead, and made its way over towards Hermione and the young man.
"You must escape.  Zxero wants to be sacrificed.  Zxero will distract the undead while you escape," Zxero called.
"No!" Hermione screamed.  "You must escape!  I'll fend them off, and you two GO."
Just then, Hermione realized that she was acting like the people in the movies about life-and-death situations.  She immediately shut her mouth.
"Okay, never mind.  Zxero can do it."
"But Zxero don't want to!" it complained.
"Then why'd you say you would do it then!?" Hermione exclaimed.
          Meanwhile, the cave had been disturbed by the stirring of undead, and the hole of fire began to spread, and a bunch of undead fell into the fire.  Some of them were running away into the little caves that shot off from the main cave.  Zxero, Hermione, and the young man were still quarreling about whose life meant more, and all that other stuff.  They were oblivious to the fact that all the undead castaways had disappeared.  When they had finished quarreling, they noticed that the cave was empty.  Hermione cocked her eyebrows, then said, "What just happened?"
"You FAILED," Zxero said.


  1. I loved the ending. An epic fail to both the main people and the undead people.

  2. heh. the story makes fun of those life-and-death situations.