(Warning: based on suicide and abusive relationships, and may be graphic)
I've had enough. My eyes are surrounded by bruises. She's been yelling at me and hitting me all night, all the while threatening to slit huir own throat.
I end up like this: I pin both huir arms down with my legs. Zei kicks and screams and I smile for some strange reason. As soon as zei sees, zei stops kicking. Spits in my face.
“How could you?” Tears stream down huir face. Zei’s ugly. “Always abusing me. It’s all your fault! Just let me die, bitch. You’ve never cared for me once.”
When I smirk, zei looks taken aback.
“Me abusing you, huh? All I’ve ever done is care for you,” I say. “But whatever. Whatever you decide to do with yourself is what you decide. I have helped you to the extent I can, but in the end, it’s really up to you.”
I feel like I'm not myself saying this, like all huir punches had finally blasted my spirit out of my meat host.
Zei glares at me. “You...”
“I think I’ve realized something.” I say as I stand up and wipe my hands together, still looking at en as if trying to pin en down with my eyes. “I’m always going to be the one at fault to you. Surely if I’m so terrible, you would cut me out of your life because I’m such a cold-hearted monster, hm?”
I squat down and glare at en tauntingly as zei props enself on huir elbows with an expression I can’t tell is hatred or surprise.
I continue before zei can formulate a response. “All I can really tell you is how much I love you. But that won’t solve much, will it now? I’m no suicide hotline. I’m no hero or savior. Just a horrible monster. I guess from now on, no matter what you say, my only response will be to help yourself. I mean, I think you deserve better, as much as that makes me so horrible.”
I stand up again. Turn away and begin to walk towards the stairs.
Zei stands up as if to follow me but stays put. “Fucking asshole! You don’t know what you’ve done. This isn’t love! No one loves me, and I don’t deserve to live. If you really loved me you would tell me to live right now. You would tell me how much you love me.”
Zei is sobbing. Even uglier than before. I can see it even though I don’t turn around.
I say quietly, “to you, I either care too much and you insult me, or I don’t care at all and you hate me. Nothing much I can do about that. I only know my own feelings, which are I will always love you.”
I’m about to walk out the exit when I hear en inhale sharply.
“Don’t you walk away! I’m going to kill myself right now. It’s going to be all your fault.”
I look back and I see en holding huir pocket knife to huir neck. My initial instinct is to run over, knock the knife from huir hand, and hug en tightly, but I stop myself.
I only look coldly at en.
“No, you shouldn’t. Aren’t you curious to see the gift I have for you tomorrow?”
“Liar. You’re just saying that to get me to not kill myself.”
I pause, pushing back the temptation to defend my claim despite it being a lie. “Well now, I suppose you’ll find out tomorrow whether or not it’s true. Meet me at the usual spot by the corner store at 9.”
I turn away again, this time walking out with no more words between us.
~ ~ ~
The next night, 30 minutes before that time, I leave a note at our usual meeting place with my farewell and a list or resources for her, but I never stay to see en. I wonder if it was for the best.