Sunday, April 22, 2018

That Night

(Warning: based on suicide and abusive relationships, and may be graphic)

I've had enough. My eyes are surrounded by bruises. She's been yelling at me and hitting me all night, all the while threatening to slit huir own throat. 

I end up like this: I pin both huir arms down with my legs. Zei kicks and screams and I smile for some strange reason. As soon as zei sees, zei stops kicking. Spits in my face.

“How could you?” Tears stream down huir face. Zei’s ugly. I don't know how I ever found that crying face beautiful, but it certainly kept me on my knees. I could make en love me with every carnal session, all because of that face.

Zei says, “Always abusing me. It’s all your fault! Just let me die, bitch. You’ve never cared for me once.”

When I smirk, zei looks taken aback.  

I don't recall too well, but maybe it was my fault. All the times I never texted back. Failing to drive 20 miles to meet en because zei would never come to meet me. It's like something in me is emerging, and it's not me, because real "me" would never hurt en like how I am now. 

“Me abusing you, huh? All I’ve ever done is care for you,” I say. “But whatever. Whatever you decide to do with yourself is what you decide. I have helped you to the extent I can, but in the end, it’s really up to you to help yourself and heal.”

I sound like a therapist. Like all huir punches had finally blasted my spirit out of my meat host, and I was finally one of those paid gods who somehow have the words no one wants to hear, but are nonetheless the truth. 

Zei glares at me. “You...”

“I think I’ve realized something.” I say as I stand up and wipe my hands together, still looking at en as if trying to pin en down with my eyes because I know that I would be going back on my oath to physically harm en. “I’m always going to be the one at fault to you. Surely if I’m so terrible, you would cut me out of your life because I’m such a cold-hearted monster, hm?”

I squat down and glare at en tauntingly as zei props enself on huir elbows with an expression I can’t tell is hatred or surprise. 

The therapist god's words come to me easily for some reason. Who it is therapy for, though, I honestly do not know. I continue before zei can formulate a response. “All I can really tell you is how much I love you. But that won’t solve much, will it now? I’m no suicide hotline. I’m no hero or savior. Just a horrible monster. I guess from now on, no matter what you say, my only response will be to help yourself. I mean, I think you deserve better, as much as that makes me so horrible.” 

I stand up again. Turn away calmly and begin to walk towards the stairs. 

Zei stands up as if to follow me but stays put. “Fucking asshole! You don’t know what you’ve done. This isn’t love! No one loves me, and I don’t deserve to live. If you really loved me you would tell me to live right now. You would tell me how much you love me. You would help me.”

Zei is sobbing. Even uglier than before. I can see it even though I don’t turn around. 

I say quietly, “to you, I either care too much and you insult me, or I don’t care at all and you hate me. Nothing much I can do about that. I only know my own feelings, which are I will always love you.”

I’m about to walk out the exit when I hear en inhale sharply. 

“Don’t you walk away! I’m going to kill myself right now. It’s going to be all your fault.”

I look back and I see en holding huir pocket knife to huir neck. My initial instinct is to run over, knock the knife from huir hand, and hug en tightly, but I stop myself. I know in the back of my mind that zei will not do it, at least not now.

I only look back coldly at en. 

“No, you shouldn’t. Aren’t you curious to see the gift I have for you tomorrow?”

“Liar. You’re just saying that to get me to not kill myself.”

I pause, pushing back the temptation to defend my claim despite it being a lie. “Well now, I suppose you’ll find out tomorrow whether or not it’s true. Meet me at the usual spot by the corner store at 9.”

I turn away again, this time walking out with no more words between us.

~ ~ ~

The next night, 30 minutes before that time, I leave a note at our usual meeting place with my farewell and a list or resources for her, but I never stay to see en. I wonder if it was for the best.

The Adventures of Laggin Dragon and Taroz pt. 1 (New Comic!)

Just What You Want (Poem Version)

Nights alone, driving anywhere but home
Mind far off, desperation takes hold
The key is 
You say, give me love, give me trust 
Give me some way to capture lust
I don’t care, take my time
Just as long as I can feel the things I once thought were mine
Right in front of you, this person
Would gladly open your eyes
But the beacon for you will always be
So far off
If you would take a person and share
An artificial love
Would I gladly be your dummy, pretend we’re high
Not care what’s down below us?
We’re here now, drunk and lonely
And we’re sharing time
Saying all the right things, but you could
Never tease me out of my lie
Because you know just what you want
And I know just what you need
And I’d gladly be that dummy even if

In the end, it just hurts me

(This is also a song)

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The Only Thing I Know How To Do

I’ve only fallen in love at the bars. A total of 57 people, both men and women, checked off. 
          In this town, I wear it like a gold medal. But I guess gold can have its lonely side, too.
          I don’t like being alone at night—it’s a little secret I haven’t told anyone, and maybe that’s why I bring them to their homes. 
          I float back to my apartment at around 6am. 8am in the winter. Can’t sleep, usually—paranoia of strangers, I guess. Always thinking I’ll get shot in the head, and that’s probably just because of a cyst growing in my brain, like what happened to dad.
          Or at least that’s the excuse I give for most things.
          I wasn’t always like this. I used to be a genius. I was the talent of the articles. I made devices—holograms and portals and stuff. I talked pompous. My family was rich. 
          But then I got friends, and I guess that set me up. 
          Living a couple hundred years longer than your peers isn’t exactly the greatest thing. Not quite the beautiful treachery of life’s shortness or the incomprehensibility of immortality. 
          I suppose it’s good that no one knows; they all smile at me and we can bond over the latest popular song and some 2am chicken wings.
          But not the coldness of the gold. Not how they all just turn to particles and disappear to some other dimension where I can only see their laughs but I only want to see their resentment. 
          They couldn’t just spare me that.
          The relapses only appear at night for some reason. I look away. I take home one person after the next. I tell them I can’t stay because of the cyst and the paranoia and how much work I have.
          It’s the only thing I know how to do.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Against the odds

We met in that place that night. The same place we met every night under the deafening screams of sirens and the sound of gunshots echoing through the thick, smoky air.
“Where do you want to go, Aronai?” I asked him, the kid who was just barely taller than me and whose messy black hair covered huir iridescent eyes.
Zei looked at me, smiling, two small dimples appearing on either side of huir cheeks. Then looked thoughtfully at the shrouded sky. It had been ages since we last saw stars.
“All I can think of,” zei said and paused for a few seconds. “Is somewhere up there, beyond all this. Somewhere I can be with you.”
I opened my mouth to respond. I want to be with you, too.
But I looked down. Huir hand just barely covered over ugly bruises on huir wrist. There appeared to be fresh blood there, too.
Zei seemed to notice I was taken aback, because zei retracted huir wrist into the sleeve of huir ripped sweater and looked away sullenly.
“I guess I should tell you,” zei mumbled.
A pang of guilt shot through me and I also averted my eyes. “You don’t need…”
“They saw me smile at you.”
I bit my lip. “It’s all my fault.” I shook my head and then stood up from the dirt. “I should have never tried to be your friend.”
Aronai looked up at me, eyes wide. “What are you saying? That’s not…”
I wiped tears from my eyes. “I’m sorry, Aronai. I didn’t want this to happen. I want to say the same thing as you. I also want to go with you… to up there. But it’s not possible. It will never be possible.”
I turned away from him. I didn’t see the expression zei made, and if zei had said something, I didn’t hear it. By then I had run away, back to the other side of the border. Back to the people who had raised me. Back to where I knew my limits. Or at least, those that were a lie.
That was the last time I saw en.
It took years, but the war came to a close and I had gotten taller. I moved out of my country and all the way across the water to a new one. I learned the language. Adjusted to city life. I happened to land a job in a space agency where I helped build the latest technology.
You’d think I’m smart, but I’m not really sure. I spent every evening when I returned home contemplating what it was I was after. Why had I worked so hard to get here when I could have just gotten an equally fine but less grueling job? I saw a vague memory in the back of my mind, but I couldn’t quite fill in the details. I would shake my head, and then turn off the thoughts as I turned off the lights to go to bed.
One morning, a morning in January, was like any other. I went to work with my coffee and got straight to outlining depictions of robot parts.
As I sipped my coffee, I spit some of it out when my coworker bounced into my office yelling.
“Guess what?!”
I squinted and looked at him as I wiped my mouth. “Uh, yes?”
“We’ve got a new promising astronomer! This guy’s the talk of the town!”
“Oh. Okay. Awesome?”
“Er, but you see, I really want to meet en. But I’m a bit too nervous to go on my own because of boss, but maybe if you go with me… And also, you know the tradition.”
“I see what you’re getting at.”
I sighed and placed down my pencil and coffee and we walked a few offices down to the lab. When we arrived, it was swarming with people. Techies, scientists, and all. I craned my neck to see beyond the crowd.
Somewhere in the middle stood a strangely familiar presence, whose wavy black hair and iridescent eyes were unmistakable.
I reeled back, my heart jolting against my chest. “W-wait. I really should get back to…”
But my co-worker grabbed my arm. “No-siree! This is a welcome party we all must do for our new fellow workers.” He pulled me into the crowd. I tried to pull my arm away a few times. I could’ve easily done it, yet for some reason, I didn’t.
When we got to the front of the crowd, I stopped short.
My eyes locked onto Aronai and my breath shortened. Only seconds later, Aronai's eyes met mine. And in that moment, it was like time slowed down. The whole crowd disappeared. The noises became muffled.
I held my breath and tears began to well in my eyes.
Aronai watched me blankly at first. I wondered if he recognized me. Those eyes had gotten cold since the last time I saw en. The war had done a number on en, for sure.
I swallowed, unsure how to react.
But then, as if the sun pierced through the smoke, zei smiled warmly.
I wanted to smile back, but instead, the tears began to stream from my eyes. As if by instinct, I stepped towards en, reaching out my hand slightly.
“I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left you.” I choked on the words as tears poured out. “It was selfish; I was sc--” I covered my mouth with my hand and scrunched my shoulders together.
Zei shook huir head. “I don’t blame you. I’m sorry our situation was that way. I know it was hard, but please don’t be sorry.” Zei suddenly grinned and stepped forward. Took my hand in huirs. “I knew I’d find you here! You know how long I was looking for you?”
“Oh my god,” I whispered in our native tongue. I smiled despite the tears.
Aronai pointed up with his whole arm. “Let’s be together up there from now on!”

Friday, October 13, 2017

I want to be your hero

Let’s be real. I can’t do hero-ly shit
I can’t fly, I can’t even listen to an opinion without 
Some sort of anxiety
But I can try
And they say do, not try, but
I try nevertheless to send you my limited words
To help us understand each other
To bring you anything I can when I see you hurt
And it jabs you every time, so I guess
Maybe it’s not worth it
Even trying  
And how can a hero be a hero when they 
Doubt themselves constantly?
I love you; I don’t want you to kill yourself
Don’t take the knife, please
I love you 
I love you
I say this as I forget about you during
My own shit going on
I say this as I cry when instead
I should give you useful advice
I say this as I take comfort in my own interests
And so the weight of those words
Really can’t rest on me, can they? 
You know this well,
And I could never be that hero for you
But somehow
I don’t care
And continue to jab you with all my trying

Sunday, September 3, 2017

You're my hero(ish)

True, you haven't ever saved me
let alone given me much
And maybe you didn't even realize you had much to give
You've just been tossing and turning the nights
off your muddled conscience
trying to put a damper on your own villains
But that's really just it--
And your villains
dave drawn me out from my slumber in
The endless abyss
where I've been drifting and thinking:
Nothing I do has a point
Nothing I do helps anyone...
But then you appeared, scar-bound and hurting
and delving into your passions--
A convenient veil--
and eating away one day and the next
Now I can rise again knowing
that I can fight, too
and bring myself to the point where I can
feel limitless and
draw out my passions again and maybe...
Help raise you up in return

Sunday, July 16, 2017

The Understanding

“Just accept that you’re a girl!” Luina yelled down at Arien who sat on neir knees, shaking. “You can cut your hair all you want and bind your chest or whatever the fuck you do all you want, but you’ll never escape the fact you’re a girl. Just accept reality already!”
     Luina’s jaws tightened and the top of huir nose scrunched. Huir eyes were two daggers jabbing down into Arien’s hunched and trembling back. 
     “You can say you’re a boy all you want, but in the end, people are going to see you as a girl, and they will always treat you like a girl. Millions of girls all over the world suffer because of sexism and violence—you don’t see them trying to become fake boys in order for people to treat them differently because that’s just some stupid privileged first-world bullshit. Instead, they own up to what they are because that’s how they can help end this sexist epidemic. So no matter what you do, no matter what you want people to call you, they’ll see you just the same as the rest. Stop trying to play fantasy and pretend you can be something you’re not! Idiot!”
     Luina looked as though zei might kick Arien but instead remained in the same position, towering over nem. However, she began to tremble. Huir eyes harbored frustration, anger, and something else. 
     Arien remained silent, tears welling at the bottoms of huir eyes. Zi could feel neir eyes cutting deeply. Zi could not bring enself to move, let alone face nem.
     As Liuna began to turn away huffily, Arien’s soft voice emerged from the stormy silence.
     “I know…”
     Luina paused. Turned back slowly to face Arien. She saw that neir trembling had softened slightly, however, something about it was more intimidating. 
     “I know…”
     Luina looked as though zei were about to say something, however, as against huir will as it was, zei remained silent and listened as Arien continued. 
     “You think I don’t know what people see me as? You think I don’t know what my own damn flesh prison is? You’re wrong.”
     Arien turned huir head abruptly to face Luina, huir eyes wide and huir teeth clenched. Huir voice increased in volume.
     “I’m not what I am because I want to escape from sexism. I am what I am because it’s how I feel! And if people refuse to address, let alone see me as what I am just because it’s how I feel, then fine! There are people who will accept me, and I will stick to that for now because it’s what I have. But never, never would I become a boy just to escape reality and sexism, not when even girls on my own street have been abused for their bodies! Maybe it is a privileged first-world epidemic, but as long as sexism keeps going in our first-world society, I’m not going to run away from that reality!”
     Arien lifted a hand and formed it into a fist, then brought it down heavily to the floor. The sound of a thump preceded huir next words. “If you don’t want to see or address me as I am, as a trans boy, then fine! I guess it’s too much like asking you to fight my battles for me. But I still won’t give up who I am. I will be happy with whoever can accept me for me!”
     Zi stood up on trembling legs. Shot one last fierce look to Luina, then turned away and sped off into the next room.
     Luina stood, looking as though zei might yell out something else, but remained frozen. Huir eyes widened and huir hands began to tremble.
Later on, as night fell, Arien sat on the back porch facing a small garden adorned with soft yellow lights that seemed to float among the plants. The stars showed clearly in the black-dark blue sky. The crickets sang calmly in the slowly fading heat of the day. Zi had huir knees pinned up tightly against huir chest and huir arms wrapped tightly around huir legs to keep them up. Huir eyelids were lowered and yet huir expression looked uncomfortable—unresolved. 
     Luina stood inside the yellow-lit living room, looking out through the windows of the sliding doors that led to the back porch. She watched Arien for a moment contemplatively—a little bit hesitantly as zei caught huir lip between huir teeth. She leaned forward and back. After a while, she began to walk. Opened the sliding doors. Approached Arien. 
     She sat down next to nem. 
     “Hey,” she said.
     The two of them were silent for several heartbeats, looking away from each other, words hanging at the tips of their tongues. After that time passed, they both spoke abruptly and in discorded unison. 
     “You know, I’m sorry,”
     “Hey, I’m sorry.”
     The two of them looked at each other, a bit baffled.
     “Ah…” Arien continued. “Please let me go first.”
     “No, let me,” Luina said sternly. She grabbed the edge of the porch and tightened huir hand around it. Averted huir eyes down. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. It’s just…I was unwilling to accept you as a trans guy. I guess cognitive dissonance or whatever, since, you know, we were sisters for so many years. But I want to accept you for who you are, so I’m sorry about before. I just snapped, and it hurt you.” She looked away and down at the stone walkway.
     Arien continued to look at nem, a somewhat relieved expression surfacing. Then zi looked away. Took a long, drawn out, shaking breath. “I’m sorry, too. I understand where you’re coming from, and I’ve considered giving up my identity plenty of times for the sake of the many that suffer because of their bodies. I’m sorry if I hurt you…You don’t deserve to be hurt because of people who refuse to see the reality that hurts female people. I know that reality is there, and I don’t want to be a part of the problem. So I'm sorry.” 
     Zi looked back at Luina. Saw that nei was trembling. Zi lifted a hand towards nem and gaped slightly. “Luina…”
     Luina began to speak with a soft, trembling voice, all of its previous hardness washing away. “I—I guess I just got so mad because…Especially because you aren’t taking hormones and surgery, and sometimes I get so mad when trans people call themselves trans when they aren’t doing those things because it makes me think they’re just trying to escape and make things harder for everyone else…And I know that’s a heartless thing for me to say because trans people shouldn’t have to put their bodies through so much, but sometimes it just hurts me.”
     “I understand,” Arien said quietly. “But you understand my situation. Why I don’t do that stuff…”
     Luina nodded. “Yes.” 
     She remained silent and contemplative for a moment.
     When she spoke again, huir eyes began to glaze over as tears welled. “It’s just…” Before she could stop the tears, they began to overflow. Huir chin began to quiver.
     Arien lightly placed a reassuring hand on neir shoulder. 
     As soon as it landed there, Luina began to sob.
     “I—I never told anyone this.” She struggled as the words fought to get out of huir throat. “It’s just because they raped me…s—so many times…because of this body, it…hurts. They’ve…”
     Arien’s eyes widened. The shock of the words pulsed through huir chest and then throughout the rest of huir body. Zi suddenly pulled Luina roughly to huir chest and nei began to sob even harder as nei reciprocated the embrace, grabbing onto huir brother’s plaid blue shirt. 
     They stayed like this for a while as Luina buried huir sobs into nem. Stayed like this until they slowly diminished.
     “I’m so sorry,” Arien said, to the point of tears. “I’m so sorry they did this to you. I didn’t know…”
     Luina released nem and shook huir head. Wiped away the tears that smudged huir makeup. Let out a jagged breath. “No, I’m fine. It’s all over now.”
     Arien looked at huir sister sternly. Grabbed both neir shoulders. Luina looked shocked back at nem. 
     “It’s not fine,” Arien said to the point of yelling. “I know it’s not, otherwise why would you be crying over it now? No matter what, I will be here for you to talk to, even if I may not be your sister now…I want to be there for you no matter what. Even if you have to see me as your sister for now…I can wait. Because I want nothing but happiness for you.” The tears in Arien’s eyes began to spill over. 
     Luina let a small smile show through, yet it prompted even more tears. She leaned into Arien’s shoulder and sobbed more.
     “Thank you…” she said with a cracking voice between sobs. “You’ve always been there for me. Thank you.”
     It took some time, but Luina’s sobs slowly diminished into shattered breaths. However, she kept huir head on Arien’s shoulder.
     The cricket voices took over the forefront of the soundscape as the night became darker, the stars became brighter, and the two of them sat side by side on the porch. The yellow light from the living room beamed out, casting their shadows on the gravel ground.
     Luina began to speak in a more stable manner, quietly as if not to break this delicate moment.  
     “If anything,” she started. She lifted huir head slowly from Arien's shoulder and looked nem in the eyes. Smiled genuinely. “If anything, I want to try my best to call you my brother for now, if that’s fine. It will be difficult, but I still want to try for you.”
     Arien turned huir head to face huir sister. Nodded. Smiled brightly in return. “Of course.”   

(Note: I tried my best to write this as true as possible, however, this doesn't represent all trans people's experiences.)

Thursday, July 13, 2017

The Legend Of Zxerou

In a land called Merp, rested upon an unusually small island was a village filled with dragons. (Of course, from the human point of view, the island was enormous!) There, living among these dragons was a somewhat long, silver, (albeit “wimpy” according to dragon standards) dragon called Zxerou (pronounced zero). Zei was neither she, he, nor it because zei was genderless and not technically a dragon… I won’t get into that because that would be a whole other story. 
     On this particular day, Zxerou was at "training lessons" along with a number of peculiar dragons who all seemed to have major attitude issues. One was quite large and muscular, one was round and lumpy, one was lean and haughtily posed, one had an eternal sly smirk, and one other was quite wimpy, just like Zxerou. Zxerou was in full armor along with everyone else. Huir helm was crooked and zei dragged huir shield upon the floor. Huir friend, Birch, was the wimpy dragon like Zxerou, but much better off than en for nei had notable muscles. 
     "ALRIGHT!" Master screamed. (Huir voice was always a scream...) "Today is FLIGHT TRAINING!!!”
     "But sir..." started another dragon named Meep, who was most incredibly strong, but too shy for huir brawn.
     "YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW! We have trained like that ever since you were little maggots, BUT THIS IS BASIC TRAINING!!!" Master distracted.
     "But I thought this was major fighting class," said Mudlash, the lean and haughtily posed dragon who was also clever and could beat anyone in a fighting contest.
     Master crossed huir big brawny arms over huir chest. "Yes, quite, but YOU LAME DRAGONS CAN'T EVEN PICK UP A SWORD!!!"
     Oh, gurgling glacksticks. I hope this doesn't turn into another ‘Master and Mudlash mess,’ Zxerou thought with a great glare of agony to the sky. Birch, who was patiently sitting beside Zxerou was nodding off to sleep. (Obviously, that was known as "patience" to the dragons. Dragons slept when bored, even at the dinner table and that was considered a compliment). Zxerou nudged nem awake.
     Get up, zei said through huir mind to Birch with a strange double voice—one a little higher and one a little lower. Get up before Master blasts us to the infinites…
     Master was pacing back and forth, observing the dragon's wings. The little dragon's wings amused en, and zei chuckled.
     "TERRIBLE WINGS!" he said with a grunt when zei got to the end of the line of dragons. "All of you will FAIL!!!"
     "Especially you, Zxerou," Mudlash hissed under huir breath towards Zxerou. "You will never be the God of the Dragons."
     The other dragons chuckled at this. Zxerou only stared ahead blankly as Master lifted huir oversized tail and gave a big, loud fart to silence the dragons. When that didn't work, he began to erupt.
     "SILENCE YOU LITTLE MAGGOTS, BEFORE I EAT ALL THE LIVING CARPFLEAS FROM THOSE LITTLE BRAINS OF YOURS!!!" he thundered with a great shake of huir great, overhanging belly. 
     Still, the room did not fall silent.
     "Not before I roast you and eat you," Zxerou managed to say in a snarky manner.
     Birch laughed at this in an overly exaggerated manner until Zxerou gave nem another nudge.
     Finally, after twenty whole minutes, the dragons became silent. At last, Master gave the orders.
     "ALRIGHT!" he boomed. "Now, go and do twenty laps around Merp!!!"
     Everyone moaned and groaned and began filing out of the main training hall.
     "Unless you want me to stick FIFTY FIREBALLS UP YOUR BUTTS!" Master continued.
     "No, no!" everyone cried in discorded unison. They immediately became silent.
     Zxerou was pushed and mauled by the hefty dragons as they all attempted to fit though the door at once. (Not to mention, the door was more made for long dragons like Zxerou or Birch or their dreaded enemy, Mudlash). When Zxerou and Birch were finally outside, they came to find that all the other dragons had taken off and were already halfway around Merp. 
     "Come on," said Zxerou, flapping once with huir wings and lifting off the ground.
     "Oh, joy," Birch groaned close behind Zxerou. "I absolutely, definitely, positively, seriously... Well, I kind of forgot what I was going to say, but I think I was about to say that... I HATE THE FACT MASTER MAKES US RUN LAPS!!!"
     "Hmmm..." Zxerou said, hardly surprised. "Quite so, since we are supposedly training to protect stupid jewels from knights who want to slay us…and you mean fly laps.”
     "It's all myth!" howled Birch. "They're training us for MYTH!"
     And so they both flew on as Zxerou managed to hold back huir temper while Birch complained and complained. (And even though one wing beat brought all the dragons practically halfway around the island of Merp, they still took an hour to finish. How lame).

Monday, July 10, 2017

Regarding Gender/Trans Issues

This is a kind of long post pertaining to some stuff bothering me a lot lately. It's got a lot in it, but feel free to leave insights in the comments!

So I have an issue… Basically, people argue that anyone should be able to dress, act, and express their gender however they want no matter their biological sex without being discriminated against, and yet people also advocate for trans rights, and usually trans people depend on the “binary” in culture in order to pass as the gender they want—especially people who don’t have access to or may not want hormones and surgery. It seems counterintuitive. I don’t know if both agendas can coexist. So then how do we proceed? And which one is better? If neither, then is there a middle ground? People should be able to express as they wish regarding gender, yet would that not be detrimental to those who are trans since people would simply refer to them as the gendered words that generally accompany biological sex because, i.e., no one would care about the difference between a trans man and a “butch” woman or a trans woman and a drag queen? As well, would it not also force anyone trans to take potentially harmful or unwanted hormones and surgery since the lines are even more unclear? However, at the same time, these “binary” lines that trans folks may depend on tend to be detrimental to the general population, as it forces people into boxes based on their biology, and no one really wants that, do they? But then again, would that kind of equal world be realistic in the first place? It seems like there must be a reason why male and female humans discriminated themselves into these “gender boxes” in the first place. Is there really no way to get these two agendas to coexist?—where people accept trans folks as well as folks who just wish to dress and act in a different way from their “gender box”? 

As well, pronouns seem to be a huge issue on this topic. Would there really need to be gendered pronouns, let alone sex-specific ones, especially in a world where people can express themselves however they want regarding gender? Or would people not care about omitting sex-specific pronouns as biology would not be a big deal in gender expression? However, then that assumes no one has pronoun dysphoria, and if trans people were included in this world, then clearly pronouns are still an issue. So then, do we just continue to deal with the pronoun issues or would it really be detrimental to omit the genders from them and just depend on the nouns for gender expression in our language?

I realise that there are always going to be exceptions in any culture, however, I am thinking from an overarching point of view, as I think it is safe to say that all cultures have some sort of overarching gender structure in them.

"I don't know anymore. I'm so confused."

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Lost Moments

plaster the future to a mask and
weld another day to the iron year
trap an image in the steamboat and
let it sail to the top of a mountain on thin air.
break your dream a thousand times
RE: kept them safe in your email drafts
and have deleted so many days
from then on.
taking the hand of a small lost moment
are you lost, too? you say no
but it couldn't be less true.
where did Sunday go, where are those 24 hours?
--clutching your head with your hands
the realization that this day won't last
in the thread of memory
twenty years past, and the seconds you once grasped
roam free in some unknown dimension.
one year has passed, falling from the swing
the joy of circles in the park
spinning up and away all the way 'til it becomes some
memory in the fabric of space
into the stars, eyes stare, reflect the vastness
we hold so dear

This poem is actually supposed to be a rap, but I haven't yet set it to music.